Friendships

The last year has been a bit odd in term of friendships. A friendship that had been dead for six-years was most surprisingly resurrected and the subsequent relationship is quite good. Another relationship, a friendship I'd had since I was a wee first grader, is a rotting corpse with little hope for revival.

In regards to the latter, it sucks. As an only child I have lost the person that I spent my childhood with, an individual that I've come to regard as something of a surrogate sister and best friend. We have endured more together in the last 20-years than many people encounter during a marriage and she knows, nay knew, me better than anyone- Mr. Tonks included.

The sense of loss has been profound, as though she has somehow died.

I'll not get into the intricacies of the downfall of our friendship, they're not important nor are they entirely known to me. Facts were revealed about the other that were not exactly pleasing to either. I don't think she realized just how liberal I was; I didn't realize what a terrific non-liberal she is. Respect was lost on both sides. Life happened and the chasm between us deepened.

It all culminated over the course of less than half a dozen heated e-mails and *poof* our friendship was no more. Her choice, not mine. Frankly, I didn't get much of a say in the matter. I had hoped that we could possibly reconnect during the holidays, a time of year that was always special to us and our children. But it was not meant to be. I'll take the blame on that one.

While I miss her very much and thought often of trying to connect with her, I'm still angry. I'm angry that she has a baby I've yet to hold. I'm angry she ignored JP's (who still utterly adores her) birthday without so much as a card. I'm angry she wasn't there to talk to when I had dozens of questions while going through a miscarriage last month. I'm angry that I can't let bygones be bygones and try to start anew. I'm angry that I'm enough like my mother that I'll be able to hold onto this grudge for years and that I'm still so hurt by her actions I can't be big enough to make the first move. But mostly I'm angry that I missed the obvious disintegration of a relationship that I cherished with all my heart- and I have no idea where to start with fixing it.

The whole situation is frustrating and sad but there's not much to be done now. It is what it is: a smelly, festering cadaver that I can't seem to get rid of...or over.